Non-stop Flights to Crazyopolis, Now Departing Daily

1:55 pm EST, Monday August 8, 2005

Waiting in the schwanky-danky “WorldClub” at the lovely Detroit airport before my 3:07 flight to Denver. Dan got me a WorldClub membership each of the last 2 years for our anniversary – even better than the fun perks like free soda, all the wine and beer and liquor you could drink (if you were unlike me and actually COULD drink before flying, without mortal fear of making you sick, like everything else in the world) and ENDLESS Milano cookies is the wonderful feeling of snootiness you get from whooshing though those mysterious frosted doors at the entry. Suddenly you are separating yourself from all the riff-raff out there in the concourse…pssssh, PEONS, begone.

Of course, anyone sucker enough to pony up $350 a year for said perks can achieve airport snobbery just like me. I, personally, am doing my part to make sure it is $350 WELL SPENT, in my ongoing attempts to eat as many Milano cookies as they can set out in their pretentious little silver bowls. Keep ‘em comin’, Northwest. You are talkin’ to a pro here.

I plan to take the nectar of the gods, Klonopin, at about 2:30 – plenty o' time to make me pleasantly oblivious in the face of my usual pre-take off panic attack which subsides, promptly, as soon as the wheels leave the runway. For most people this is when air fears set in, but for me, the torture is being strapped in my seat, unable to get up or god forbid GO TO THE BATHROOM, in the event that the elapsed time between when they pull away from the jetway to when the wheels leave the ground might be when I finally have the giant colostomical/gastroenterogical breakdown I have been fearing my whole life and cover myself and everyone with in a six-row radius with poop. Hey, it could happen.

The bizarre-o factor is that if it is a half empty plane, and I am seated in my comfort zone du jour (last row, right side as you are sitting in your seat, no one in the two seats next to me, no one at least two rows in front of me, no one across the aisle from me) I am much, much calmer. It’s the overwhelming fear of drawing attention to my insane neurotic behavior that I fear the most. I am a 30 year old corporate type person dressed in nice clothes, with no small child to draw attention away from me, and thus, I should just blend comfortably into the bored, blasé background of similar travel-weary types.

Isn’t that a sad goal in life? Yet it’s what I’d love to do more than anything.


10:43 pm MST (Denver time)
May have overdone it a bit on the Nectar of Klonopin. As we started pushing back from the gate, I frantically dug through my purse and pulled out the bottle of magic yellow pills. I took one out and cradled it in my palm, thinking that maybe just knowing it was there would calm my nerves. I don't NEED this stupid pill. I got upgraded to 1st class; the nice woman in 2C let me switch with her so I could sit on the aisle; I haven't eaten anything (except some Milano cookies) all day so what could POSSIBLY make me sick, right?

Detroit Metro Airport has to be home to the absolutely most excruciatingly long taxi times on earth. I swear you bob along at 10 mph in your plane til you are halfway to Kentucky before you actually take off. So, plenty of time to sit. And wait. And panic. And OKmaybeI'llbreakthepillinhalf...NO, I don't need it. Taxitaxitaxitaxi...OKmaybeI'llbreakthehalfinhalfandjusttakeaquarterofapill. Gulp. Done. 5 seconds elapse. Still feel panicky. Quickly take the other quarter of the pill, so that's 1 1/2 Klonopin in about 45 minutes. Plus some Immodium, my magic butt caulk, despite the fact that I don't actually need it.

We finally make it to wheels up, and I haven't died or exploded or cried or anything, so I think I will reward myself with a nice free glass of 1st class wine. And a refill. And do you know what happens to a 110 lb person who is slightly over the recommended dose of sedatives, also taking Zoloft, without food, plus wine, at 20,000 feet? If you do, let me know because I'm sure I don't remember. I did a crossword puzzle, I think...and then fell asleep. It was joyous. Not so much when I had to get off the plane and go find the rental car, but I can truly say the flight didn't bother me. I also believe I now have to get drool stains off my blouse.

Had a great dinner tonight with one of the uber-cool mommies from my Babycenter.com May 2004 birth board -- also may have overdosed on that, as we took full advantage of the roughly 17 courses at the hip fondue place she found for us. One of us is pregnant and can stand to eat that much -- I'll give you a hint, it's not the druggie ;)

I am off to bed, and maybe to find some molten chocolate to dip my toothbrush in...adios from the Mile High City.