Friday, August 05, 2005

Golden Retriev-durrrr


I know it's rare for humans and animals to be able to pass diseases to each other, but I swear that my craziness has been leaking out of my pores and somehow contaminating the dog. In the last few days, Murphy has become either regressively dumber or possessed - the jury is still out.

Some people wonder what their pets do all day while they're at work -- lay on the couch, lick their rudely spayed-or-neutered parts without fear of reprimand, invite their buddies over for some Texas Hold'em -- but I can tell you with certainty what Murphy does with his free time.

Stares at light fixtures.

He has developed an inexplicable obsession with several ceiling-mounted light fixtures in our home, including our...er...colorful dining room Tiffany-style dragonfly-covered (GOD I pray for a stray Michigan earthquake to break that thing -- Molly! Quick! Learn how to play ball in the house!) lamp, and the very boring hanging fixture in our front hallway.

Mind you, these items have been installed in their respective ceiling-places for the two years we have owned this home, and never once, at least to my knowledge, have they done anything suspicious to warrant 24/7 canine supervision.

But when he's not following Molly around trying to nonchalantly eat Teddy Grahams out of her sticky little fingers, Murphy is poised, ready to pounce like a possessed, shaggy Sphinx, beneath one of these offending light fixtures.

He can stare at them for hours. Every 17 minutes or so, he growls at whichever one he is visually boring a hole through; runs around the table; knocks over a chair or a child, whichever is more inconveniently placed, and sits back down to resume staring some more.

Every once in a while, he remembers that there is a ceiling fan in the family room and WOW -- while his head stays still, you can almost hear his little eyeballs rattling around like psychotic marbles as he follows every turn of the blades.

Don't even get me started on the two innocent little goldfish we housed in a brand new fish tank for Molly to enjoy last week. She couldn't care less about them, since she a) can't get to them and thus b) can't try to eat them, but to Murphy, they apparently pose an immediate and deadly threat. The first day we got them he whimpered for hours. And hours. A pack of rabid llamas carrying the Libyan terrorists from "Back to the Future" could have stormed our house, stolen our child and left us for dead, and Dumbnuts the Wonderdog would have remained firmly planted in front of the little plastic pirate skull that so mercilessly taunts him from inside that damn tank.

Do they make OCD drugs for dogs??

6 comments:

Gustad said...

maybe murphy is just feeling what you are going thru... which is cuasing him to act diffrent. they are pretty smart.
like your blog alot. keep writing!

As Good as an ABBA Song said...

My dog does the same thing: only not quietly. She's particularly intriqued by the back porch light. At first I thought she was barking at the moths gathering around the light, but when the barking started mid-afternoon, broad daylight, with not a bug in sight, I had to admit the truth: she was engaged in a one-sided conversation with the fixture itself.

In short, I think Murphy is a normal dog. (or maybe I don't want to admit that mine is crazy as well...)

Lorraine said...

Hi Mel. I'm completely certain that they make OCD drugs for dogs. Like, 100% sure. I'm pretty sure they make them for goldfish too. Something to think about.

My cat, August, has recently become obsessed with a certain patch of wall. It is indistinguishable from any other patch of wall, to my eyes. He will sit there for hours, facing this patch, about 2 inches from the wall. It looks like we've put him in the corner for saying a naughty word. Freak.

Smander said...

Maybe he sees dead people!

Kristen Gill, Marketing Manager said...

LMAO!! Mel, you're so funny. I really think you could get this stuff published...

aangelgoddess said...

ROFLMBFAO!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know about OCD drugs for dogs, but they do make anti-anxiety meds for them...
Or maybe Kara's right and he sees dead people!!

LUYA!!
Angel