Doritos Dancing In Utero

I have a good friend at work who is also pregnant, about 2 1/2 weeks behind me. She told me this week that she has already been able to feel her baby kicking and moving...at 12 WEEKS. When I noted that I haven't felt a thing thus far, at 15 weeks, she reminded me that "you DO tend to feel it earlier with the second child - hmm!"

Now OK, I can buy that. But 12 weeks??? At 12 weeks your fetus is roughly the size of a DORITO. Unless it has detached from your uterus and lodged itself just on the other side of your belly button AND your skin is the consistency of Saran Wrap, you are not feeling a baby kick at 12 WEEKS!!!! Maybe you are feeling the effects of eating pickles and mountain dew simultaneously - it's called GAS. But whatever, maybe she is growing a monster in there.

I love that the pregnancy progress sites like to give you weekly updates as to the size of your little uterine alien, in terms of food. For example, at 15 weeks, my baby is apparently the size of a kiwi. This would be fantastic knowledge to possess, if I actually 1) cooked or 2) consumed any fresh produce. At 16 weeks you graduate to an avocado. I wouldn't know what an appropriate sized avocado looked like if it jumped up and bit my ass. All I know about kiwis is that they are little and hairy. But how little? Am I growing a mutant kiwi in there? Is it a California kiwi or an import?? When you tell me the thing is a size of an apple -- what the hell kind?!? Granny Smith? Red Delicious? Little sour green kind??

Could they not give you measurements that a more in tune with what the average pregnant woman might encounter -- say, at XX weeks, your fetus is roughly the size of a junior bacon cheeseburger! Or...at this stage, your baby is the length of an Oscar Meyer hotdog bun. The normal kind, not the footlong ones. Or the size of a deluxe Hershey bar. THESE things I can picture.

So far I have managed not to kill anyone, and more importantly, no one has (successfully) attempted to murder me, which is impressive given that I have been having mood swings and conniptions of cartoon-character proportions, complete with steam exiting cranial orifices and separation of head from body while it spins in circles before coming back to rest in proper location. I hate all my clothes, I hate work, I hate getting up, I hate trying to fall asleep, I hate food but if I don't eat it I still turn wretchedly green.

By this time next week, I will reach the "more than halfway" anniversary from Molly's 31 week birth. SCARY. We are hoping that halfway this time around will be 18 weeks, with a nice problem-free delivery around 36-37 weeks. However, we all know my history with problem-free (or "nice" for that matter) so we shall see!