Just Shoot Me.

Pregnancy is a glowing, mysterious, wonderful, joyous, magical, anticipatory time for many women. I am certainly glowing -- with sweat, brought on by non stop anxiety attacks from not being able to be properly nutcase-medicated. I am mysterious -- as in, it's a mystery to me how one person can gag and dry heave so many times in one hour and yet not actually throw up. I am joyous -- when I am asleep. Magical -- frosted Lucky Charms ARE magically delicious, with carbs and in particular, sugared breakfast foods accounting for 90% of my daily intake. I am anticipating a point in the future in which I do not want to spear my husband with a javelin soaked in arsenic for inflicting this on me.

I do not do pregnancy well. If there are any of you who don't yet know that I am pregnant, there you are. The land-mine ridden face full of 14 year old acne hell would be a good giveaway, as would the cumulative amount of hours a day I spend in a bathroom, either gagging, getting ready to gag, finishing up a gag, or trying to poop for the first time since the Reagan adminstration. I am on some lovely pills called Zofran to help with the nausea, but the side effect is that they basically turn your stomach into quik-dry concrete. Nothing comes up, but nothing goes out, either. For me this is a completely unfathomable phenomenon. things are ALWAYS coming out, hence the irritable bowel fun. Zero millimeters of my GI tract are currently functioning properly.

I am also "living clean," completely devoid of my friends the "antis" -- antidepressants, antianxiety drugs, antihomicidal maniac suppression...this has been great fun for my immediate family, who I'm sure would like to find me a Victorian-era "home" for young mothers to wait out their "confinement period" in secret and where I would be less likely to lash out at people asking me IDIOTIC questions like "can you hand me that magazine?" or "have you seen the remote?" I even had to give up my beloved Diet Cokes (usually only about 6 a day) and switch back to regular coke, 2 a day! eeeeek.

If I had felt this horrible with my first pregnancy, you can bet that there would NEVER EVER EVER be a second little alien brewing in there right now (yes, we are sure there's ONLY ONE, THANK GOD IN HEAVEN). Due date is 5/3/07, but right now we just hope to make it to the month of April and see what happens! In the meantime, for your safety, please keep your hands, arms, valuables and small children away from the manic starving poopladen gaggy bitchy pregnant woman.