There are few things on this earth more empowering, more initmidating, more awe-inspiring, more...more...clackier -- than a new set of fake ones. Nails, I mean. If any other part of your anatomy is new and clacky, you may want to get a new surgeon.
I had abandoned regular manicures shortly after Molly was born out of fear that my little claws of power would claw her little eyes out. Subsequently, it took me til roughly last week to regrow completely normal, healthy nails that didn't look like they were pillaged off of a corpse. So what do I do? March right back to the nice little shop of indeterminable Asian descent and plop down $55 ($45 plus tip) for them to start the cycle of mucking my nails up all over again.
It feels GREAT. I am typing with wild abandon today (whereas usually I type with pretty domesticated abandon) just because it is EXTRA CLICKY CLACKY. "Hi. PERIOD. How are YOU BAM BAM BAM TAKE THAT YOU PIECE OF SHIT SPACE BAR!!! HA HA!!!!"
One thing I forgot about, though, when telling the nice man "yep, that looks like a good length" is that every night I am sort of required to stick my fingers in my eye to get my contacts out. oops. I figured this out last night at 11:45 after having already taken an Ambien and doing the little drunken-totter-maybe the dose should be a little less for small people-dance.
I tried with my thumb and forefinger. POKE. Thumb and third finger. JAB. Tried just smooshing the damn thing to one side of my eye. SCRRRRRAPE. Tried all of these things for 10 minutes before finally clawing one soft contact out of my right eye.
God damn it, I have two eyes. Repeat. Repeat. repeat. Finally get contact extracted from left eye.
Go to do one final round of business on the potty before bed -- poke nail through TP and almost partake in do-it-yourself episiotomy.
ARRRRRRGH.
Today I do appear to be all in one piece, and even managed to get both contacts in without ripping them in half or lodging my eyeball up into my sinus cavity.
I am woman. I have nails. Hear me roar. (I mean, in addition to the pain related roaring. just ignore that)
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2 comments:
oh, i've so been there and done that with the acrylic nails. Although where i live they don't cost nearly what you paid! i just have my own short nails now, no clickety clackety.
I bet they look good though, huh? The price of beauty is pain.
The more I look at the word "beauty" the stranger it looks...
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