There are so many things they don't tell you about parenthood in the nifty "How to Be a Great Parent or at Least Keep Child Protective Services One Step Behind You" manual that all new parents get.
If they told you the truth about pregnancy, labor and/or birth, no one would have sex. Ever. I seriously do not understand how people have more than one child -- did you FORGET the hemorrhoids?? Puking? Heartburn? Having your innards ripped out on a steel table so the doctors can get to the little slime-covered pasty squirming alien that has taken residence between your bladder and your bowels for nine (err, seven) months???
We experienced one of those great moments of parenthood this morning which is only amusing to other parents, when Molly ran over to our full-length closet door mirrors to give herself "kisses" which she loves to do, imparting slobber 32 inches off the ground across a full wall of glass -- only this time, she ran up to it and sneezed and thus covered a two-foot-square swatch of mirror with bright green snot and boogers. Then proceeded to finger paint with it, all while laughing hysterically and alternately licking her hand and running it through her hair.
Oh, the joy.
Among the other items I must have missed when speed reading that manual:
- Yes, a being that small REALLY CAN produce that much poop despite eating only breast milk and the occasional bug. And it really can smell THAT BAD.
- Sticking your finger in your child's mouth to assess their teething progress should only be attempted while wearing one of those chain-link gloves worn by shark documentary makers
- The more disgusting the dog toy, the more appealing it will be as a food item for your child
- Baby carrots do NOT come out of clothing, whether spilled, barfed or pooped
- Believe it or not, grown ups without children do NOT enjoy hearing about the consistency of anything that comes out of your child's body
- Enjoy that carrier car seat while you can. The second they outgrow it you have one of those "well NOW what??" moments when you realize you cannot neatly transfer them from car to store or house or whatever without unstrapping them, rooting through your backseat for whatever toy or piece of lint they were chewing on and then threw on the floor and now CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT, finding the left shoe they managed to take off and throw at your dashboard while you're driving, cleaning pretzel pieces off of every surface in the car because pretzels are for THROWING, not eating, silly Mommy...
- Anyone who says their kid is "great, an angel" in restaurants either 1) only takes them in to pick something up from the to-go counter or 2) is on crack. There is NO SUCH THING as a great kid in a restaurant, unless it's asleep in its carrier car seat; again, see above for the logic of why you should only eat at home, on a large plastic mat, naked, once they are big enough to get out of the car carrier.
- You will never get your old body back 100% without surgery or photo retouching. Sorry. You might weigh less, but you will acquire hips or lumps or squooshiness in areas you previously were OK with showing in a bikini
There are many more items I seem to have overlooked in the parenting manual, several of which I'm sure are still to come. Please remind me of all these things should I ever entertain the notion of doing this AGAIN.
Kathy - you must have lost the whole book ;)
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3 comments:
"Believe it or not, grown ups without children do NOT enjoy hearing about the consistency of anything that comes out of your child's body."
No, but us moms find it hysterical, particularly when you're the one writing about it.
Way to go, Melly O'Malley. Thanks for making my day-to-day routine seem amusing and entertaining for at least a few minutes. :)
Wow...I could not agree more. I adore your ability to capture a moment, even if it is a depressing one, it's always HYSTERICAL...girl, you really need to write a book.
Gosh, I miss the days of the car seat carrier. And I hear you about the restaurants....
Tess
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