Handprint pictures, bodily functions and other mother's gifts

There are (many) days when I look in the mirror and cannot fathom that this person who used to go to class in a t-shirt and flannel, head out to the bar at 11 pm, sleep til noon and shave her legs on a regular basis is now at least 50 percent responsible for the continued survival of two actual human beings. ACK. It's absolutely wild to consider that Mother's Day applies to ME, and that I now have my own collection of laminated handprint artwork and amorphous things made out of spray painted pasta products.

Today's gifts included diarrhea (small human being #1), vomit - in the car, of course (small human being #2), waking up at 6:15 am (oh, so not amused, S.H.B #1).

Some other musings in honor of Mother's Day:

• Being a mom means that you have given up all expectations of going to the bathroom without an audience, albeit an audience that absolutely appreciates the end result ("WOW, Mommy, that's a LOT OF PEE!! DADDY!!! Come look at this!!!!")
• Being a mom of girls does not mean you are raising little ladies, at least not if Dan is their father. Imagine the pride I have when Dan not only subjects us to gaseous assaults - but Molly then chimes in "NICE one, Daddy!" and attempts to add her own punctuation. Tonight she spent 5 minutes making herself burp. Charming.
• I have excelled as a mommy in the acceptance and openness I've taught my children. Case in point from Molly: "Daddy, I LOVE you. Even if you are really stinky."
• Certain things are inevitable as a mom. You are going to get pooped, peed and thrown up on. Sometimes all at once. And you just deal. And you always have extra clothes. For everyone, even you.
• Dance recitals really suck when you are no longer the one dancing.
• At least for several more years, you will not get to blow out your own candles or open your own presents for ANYTHING. And "blowing out the candles" more specifically means "expelling spittle all over the cake surface, which has already been germ-breached by nasty kid fingers that were stuck in the icing about 30 seconds after being stuck up their own or their sibling's or the dog's nose"
• Whoever invented Purell should win the Noble prize in chemistry.
• It's OK to really, really REALLY HATE "Goodnight Moon." I mean, HATE IT.
• Cool moms let their 4 year old watch Star Wars instead of Sponge Bob and plant the seeds for a lifelong hatred of the Yankees.
• The anxiety and depression you may have experienced in college or your 20s is nothing compared to the brick wall that can fall and crush you while you're incubating a baby or when this needy, irrational being actually takes up residence in your life.
• You will never worry or panic about yourself to 1/1000th of the degree that you will about your children.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone who is a mom or just drives one crazy.