saying 10 Hail Marys and a prayer to the valium gods

We are about to embark on our first family vacation...road tripping to the Outer Banks of North Carolina for a week-long stay with my imaginary friends. Well, really they're my internet Mommy friends, and I've met all of them, but this will be the first time the husbands and kids will all be thrown together for a week of beach, booze and secretly praying that our kid is not "THAT kid" all week who gets you thrown out of tourist spots and overpriced restaurants.

I have agreed (have to justify all that therapy somehow) to let Dan do some of the driving, so I will be praying and pill popping and trying not to have a nervous breakdown on the side of the turnpike. If you never hear from me again, I either ran away permanently to a land of sand, surf and no small children or Dan threw me out the window at a truck stop.

Apparently the kid licks toadstools.

I swear to God I did not take illegal drugs while pregnant with this child.

Last night in the bathtub Molly told me, "Mommy, last night I was dreaming about TWELVE DOLPHINS jumping over BACTERIA!!! Bacteria is like GERMS, but it's so small you can't even SEE it. Unless you cough it out."





Uh....

We finally wrapped up Molly's birthday hanukkah extravaganza this weekend, after drawing out her 4th birthday for three weeks. This weekend was her "kid party," aided by her patient if not a bit overwhelmed and slightly frightened godparents who don't have kids. We probably effectively set back any potential procreation plans a good year or two with the combination of weekend-long scream fest from Natalie the tri-molar screech monkey and concentrated attack of small humans laced with sugar and pizza. No injuries though, pretty good kid diplomacy all around, and minimal destruction of our house so I consider that a success.

Molly is gearing up for a future career in used car sales. EVERYTHING with that kid is freakin' negotiation. You can't just say "Molly, you need to finish your applesauce" without getting "Whoa whoa whoa WHOA, Mommy. Alright alright, how about THIS...I'll eat HALF of my applesauce AND two greenbeans and then I get some more french fries. Is that a DEAL??" I love the logistics of her bargaining.

Me: "Three more bites"
Molly: "No, ONE more bite"
Me: "THREE MORE BITES"
Molly: "Okayokayo-KAAAAY!! SIX MORE, and THAT'S IT. You GOT IT??"

She also apparently has been reading self help books when we're not looking. All of a sudden she's all concerned that her friend "is NOT giving me my PERSONAL SPACE, MOMMY!!!! I need some PRIVACY TIME ALONE, OKAY!???"

This weekend at her party she announced while on the potty that I should close the door, "because I need some PRIVACY to go poop mommy. ONLY MY FRIEND ANNIKA can be in here wif me." Apparently social pooping is exciting to 3 and 4 year olds. Who knew. She is also highly concerned about Murphy having "privacy time" when he has to poop outside. Yet I'd like to know what happens to privacy time when Mommy has to go potty? Because apparently there is a sign on the door only visible to people under 4 feet tall that says "PLEASE come on in!!! Mommy is lonely!! She would love to have a puppet show with you and watch the baby shred the contents of the trash can while trying to find 30 seconds in which she can use the restroom without assistance!!!!"