The 69th most annoying thing about the holidays, that is - get your mind out of the gutter!!!
DAMN TO HELL the sadistic people who designed the packaging on Fisher Price/Playskool toys. Seriously, these $19.99 toys are more secure than the Hope diamond. Fisher Price has this line of toys called "Little People" -- I'm not sure how the PC Patrol lets them get away with that one, considering that kids will grow up thinking that anyone who is referred to as a "little person" is a 2-inch plastic molded thing with its legs fused together and a big hole in its bottom.
But anyway, there are all kinds of Little People playsets - circus, zoo train, airport, school, playground, maximum security prison compound, etc. etc. We got Molly a few more of these for Christmas, as they are currently her favorite toys in the world. As she opened up the Little People zoo train present, her eyes lit up and she immediately wanted it "opa. OPA!!!" (not Greek flaming cheese, but "open" in Molly-ese). So, Mommy rips open the outer box to find...another box. A box to which every single piece of the 14 piece set is securely anchored by way of titanium-reinforced steel twist-ties, which are then scotch-taped over just in case the 45 twists in each steel tie come undone. Yes, apparently scotch tape is the end-all product in security.
The zoo train is secured to the packaging in multiple locations. The train wheels are separately secured to each other so they don't spin. The little animals on the train are separately SEPARATELY secured, with twist ties around their bodies and I am not kidding you, I think even through their eye sockets.
What, exactly, are the engineering gods at the toy company trying to prevent here? Individual pieces somehow jumping out of the plastic-encased packaging? Thieves who only want to steal the random toy giraffe here and there? Wow, gee, I guess now they'd steal THE WHOLE PACKAGE, because it's easier to diffuse a bomb than get any pieces out of this toy set. Apparently, also, no one at the toy company has children or they would understand the severe danger created for parents who are incapable of ripping through the steel twist-ties and protective plastic, cardboard and omnipresent scotch tape fast enough for the satisfaction of a very impatient toddler who wants to start jamming those cute little animals in her mouth and running the doggy over with the train NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
#79 and counting...
Yes, my Scrooginess continues. Here we go...
#79. GETTING REAR ENDED IN YOUR OWN SUBDIVISION because the DAMN HOMEOWNER'S ASSOCIATION that you pay $100 A YEAR to for NO CONCEIVABLE REASON other than to PLANT SOME DAMN TULIPS can't come up with the funds to hire someone to CLEAR THE DAMN STREETS which contain 3 INCHES OF SOLID ICE!!!!!!!!
#78. Shopping with a 19 month old. Anywhere. Anytime. But especially in stores so overpacked with merchandise that the aisles are .00001 micrometers wider than the sides of your shopping cart, and said 19 month old is capable of pulling down breakable items with both arms simultaneously
#77. Creepy friends-of-friends-of-friends at holiday parties
#76. Spending 5x more per person on everyone in your department at work than they spent on you
#75. Waiting to get your annual review at work (today) which will dictate whether #76 is really an issue, or whether you no longer care because you have a nice bonus in your pocket
#74. RADIO STATIONS THAT INSIST ON PLAYING "MY FAVORITE THINGS" FROM "THE SOUND OF MUSIC" AND TRYING TO PASS IT OFF AS A CHRISTMAS SONG. IT'S NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes it mentions snowflakes and packages but it also mentions dog bites, attacking bees, depression, rain, and SCHNITZEL WITH NOODLES. NOT CHRISTMAS!!!!!
#73. Any Christmas songs sung by Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, any female pop star from 1985-present (please leave Christmas song singing to Karen Carpenter and good ol' boys like Burl Ives and Johnny I-still-can't-accept-that-he's-gay-Mathis)
#72. The silver candy ball thingies that people use to decorate Christmas cookies. I don't trust 'em. God didn't intend for us to eat silver balls. Interpret that as you wish, perverts.
#71. Eggnog. Bleggh.
#70. Shutting your scarf end in the car door and not realizing it til you start walking awayyyyaggggkkkkkk.
#79. GETTING REAR ENDED IN YOUR OWN SUBDIVISION because the DAMN HOMEOWNER'S ASSOCIATION that you pay $100 A YEAR to for NO CONCEIVABLE REASON other than to PLANT SOME DAMN TULIPS can't come up with the funds to hire someone to CLEAR THE DAMN STREETS which contain 3 INCHES OF SOLID ICE!!!!!!!!
#78. Shopping with a 19 month old. Anywhere. Anytime. But especially in stores so overpacked with merchandise that the aisles are .00001 micrometers wider than the sides of your shopping cart, and said 19 month old is capable of pulling down breakable items with both arms simultaneously
#77. Creepy friends-of-friends-of-friends at holiday parties
#76. Spending 5x more per person on everyone in your department at work than they spent on you
#75. Waiting to get your annual review at work (today) which will dictate whether #76 is really an issue, or whether you no longer care because you have a nice bonus in your pocket
#74. RADIO STATIONS THAT INSIST ON PLAYING "MY FAVORITE THINGS" FROM "THE SOUND OF MUSIC" AND TRYING TO PASS IT OFF AS A CHRISTMAS SONG. IT'S NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes it mentions snowflakes and packages but it also mentions dog bites, attacking bees, depression, rain, and SCHNITZEL WITH NOODLES. NOT CHRISTMAS!!!!!
#73. Any Christmas songs sung by Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, any female pop star from 1985-present (please leave Christmas song singing to Karen Carpenter and good ol' boys like Burl Ives and Johnny I-still-can't-accept-that-he's-gay-Mathis)
#72. The silver candy ball thingies that people use to decorate Christmas cookies. I don't trust 'em. God didn't intend for us to eat silver balls. Interpret that as you wish, perverts.
#71. Eggnog. Bleggh.
#70. Shutting your scarf end in the car door and not realizing it til you start walking awayyyyaggggkkkkkk.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
More things I hate about winter
Where did I leave off? #89?
#89. HELLACIOUS Christmas decoration displays -- newsflash to my neighbors, there was no giant inflatable holy penguin at the manger. The three wise men did NOT bring white twig-made light up reindeer along. Mickey Mouse and friends did not ride the Xmas train into Bethlehem to pay their respects. And BABY JESUS SHOULD NOT PLUG IN TO AN EXTENSION CORD FOR BETTER NIGHTTIME VIEWING!!!!!!!!!!!!
#88. People who mix big Christmas light bulbs with small ones (DAN), or people who mix the twinkly motion lights with still ones
#87. You know those white-light "net" decorations that are supposed to be thrown over a bush for easy installation? THE BUSH SHOULD NOT BE 14 TIMES THE SIZE OF THE LIGHT NET, giving the impression that the shrubbery has a bad toupee
#86. Boring, trite, grammatically inept Christmas card letters that mention either surgical procedures, pets with infestations of any kind, or the progress of raising the next Einstein because your kid accidentally, once, put the square block through the square hole in the shape sorter instead of trying to shove it up his nose
#85. People who get offended because their kid is singing Christmas carols as part of the third grade holiday/winter pageant
#84. People who get offended because their kid ISN'T singing Christmas carols as part of the third grade holiday/winter pageant (hey, unless the kid is singing "God Bless the KKK" or "I'm Just a Jew at Christmas" from South Park, chances are they don't really care WHAT songs they're singing -- they're more interested in flinging boogers at their classmate on stage)
#83. Lingering illnesses that last from Labor Day til the spring thaw
#82. Trees that insist on standing at a 33 degree angle despite anchoring them to the tree stand, the wall and the floor joists
#81. Pumping gas while wearing gloves, which inevitably STINK for the next three days, although the alternative of getting frostbite while fueling your car makes smelly gloves a slightly better option
#80. Second-rate Christmas specials. Dear networks: please stick to the classics. We don't need to see "Charlie Brown's Adopted Cousin's Christmas Wish"
#89. HELLACIOUS Christmas decoration displays -- newsflash to my neighbors, there was no giant inflatable holy penguin at the manger. The three wise men did NOT bring white twig-made light up reindeer along. Mickey Mouse and friends did not ride the Xmas train into Bethlehem to pay their respects. And BABY JESUS SHOULD NOT PLUG IN TO AN EXTENSION CORD FOR BETTER NIGHTTIME VIEWING!!!!!!!!!!!!
#88. People who mix big Christmas light bulbs with small ones (DAN), or people who mix the twinkly motion lights with still ones
#87. You know those white-light "net" decorations that are supposed to be thrown over a bush for easy installation? THE BUSH SHOULD NOT BE 14 TIMES THE SIZE OF THE LIGHT NET, giving the impression that the shrubbery has a bad toupee
#86. Boring, trite, grammatically inept Christmas card letters that mention either surgical procedures, pets with infestations of any kind, or the progress of raising the next Einstein because your kid accidentally, once, put the square block through the square hole in the shape sorter instead of trying to shove it up his nose
#85. People who get offended because their kid is singing Christmas carols as part of the third grade holiday/winter pageant
#84. People who get offended because their kid ISN'T singing Christmas carols as part of the third grade holiday/winter pageant (hey, unless the kid is singing "God Bless the KKK" or "I'm Just a Jew at Christmas" from South Park, chances are they don't really care WHAT songs they're singing -- they're more interested in flinging boogers at their classmate on stage)
#83. Lingering illnesses that last from Labor Day til the spring thaw
#82. Trees that insist on standing at a 33 degree angle despite anchoring them to the tree stand, the wall and the floor joists
#81. Pumping gas while wearing gloves, which inevitably STINK for the next three days, although the alternative of getting frostbite while fueling your car makes smelly gloves a slightly better option
#80. Second-rate Christmas specials. Dear networks: please stick to the classics. We don't need to see "Charlie Brown's Adopted Cousin's Christmas Wish"
Thursday, December 08, 2005
101 Things I Hate About Winter
I am not going to post all 101 here today. But I think I can come up with that many in the coming weeks.
#101. Trying to put mittens on a toddler who has the attention span of a short-wired eel
#100. SCARF SMELL - the nasty phenomenon that occurs from breathing in your own snot smell when having to wear a scarf over your nose and mouth lest #99 occur...
#99. Your drippy, runny nose instantly freezing into little snotsicles as soon as you set foot outside
#98. Having to get into a freezing cold car that warms up 1 mile before you reach your final destination
#97. MORON MICHIGAN DRIVERS who act like every flake of snow is the first damn one they've EVER seen
#96. Having to wipe up your hardwood and tile floors EVERY day because your husband is incapable of understanding that his size 46 gigundo shoes track in enough snow and slush for the dog to take a bath in
#95. Untangling Christmas lights that you tangled yourself last year because it was so damn cold when you took them down that all you wanted to do was throw them in the box and deal with them next year
#94. Pumping gas in any temperature below 55 degrees
#93. The fact that taking your car to a car wash is rendered pointless 4 seconds after you pull back onto the street and the salt/grime/slush spray re-cakes your vehicle instantaneously
#92. Going from being a very tan white girl to a very very VERY WHITE white girl whose sexy dark hair now looks very goth next to her very white dry flaky skin
#91. The inability to EVER have warm toes, especially in bed
#90. The 45 minutes it takes to get you and your child dressed to go the 10 feet from the front door to the car in the morning, especially when said child thinks that mittens, hats, coats and all other forms of protective, warm clothing are restrictive torture devices that should be removed, hurled or chewed on as promptly as possible
Please, feel free to send me ideas for 89 more things you hate about winter. To any of my readers in warm weather areas who wistfully say "gosh, I WISH it would snow here...snow is so pretty...blah blah blah" and all that other crap that Harry Connick-esque carols have drummed it your brains over the years -- I have one thing to say:
PLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLB :P
#101. Trying to put mittens on a toddler who has the attention span of a short-wired eel
#100. SCARF SMELL - the nasty phenomenon that occurs from breathing in your own snot smell when having to wear a scarf over your nose and mouth lest #99 occur...
#99. Your drippy, runny nose instantly freezing into little snotsicles as soon as you set foot outside
#98. Having to get into a freezing cold car that warms up 1 mile before you reach your final destination
#97. MORON MICHIGAN DRIVERS who act like every flake of snow is the first damn one they've EVER seen
#96. Having to wipe up your hardwood and tile floors EVERY day because your husband is incapable of understanding that his size 46 gigundo shoes track in enough snow and slush for the dog to take a bath in
#95. Untangling Christmas lights that you tangled yourself last year because it was so damn cold when you took them down that all you wanted to do was throw them in the box and deal with them next year
#94. Pumping gas in any temperature below 55 degrees
#93. The fact that taking your car to a car wash is rendered pointless 4 seconds after you pull back onto the street and the salt/grime/slush spray re-cakes your vehicle instantaneously
#92. Going from being a very tan white girl to a very very VERY WHITE white girl whose sexy dark hair now looks very goth next to her very white dry flaky skin
#91. The inability to EVER have warm toes, especially in bed
#90. The 45 minutes it takes to get you and your child dressed to go the 10 feet from the front door to the car in the morning, especially when said child thinks that mittens, hats, coats and all other forms of protective, warm clothing are restrictive torture devices that should be removed, hurled or chewed on as promptly as possible
Please, feel free to send me ideas for 89 more things you hate about winter. To any of my readers in warm weather areas who wistfully say "gosh, I WISH it would snow here...snow is so pretty...blah blah blah" and all that other crap that Harry Connick-esque carols have drummed it your brains over the years -- I have one thing to say:
PLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLB :P
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